Currently on the Mind

My third year at UCSB has come to a close. It was a year marked by an insane and memorable abroad session in Berlin as well as continuing work with Real Life and BFOM on this campus. I was given the privilege to lead worship in a larger capacity, and my house found itself with an orange ball of fur and fluff that meowed - Charlemagne.

At this time in my life I had an evening of reflection on some of the people I've come to know in my time here. There are individuals that ebb and flow out of my life and I constantly have to remind myself that this is ok - it's the natural way of things. Part of me, however, longs that they remain in my life to the full capacity they have been. I understand that in order to grow closer to certain friends and meet new people, I must ultimately sacrifice some sort of relationship with others in my life. Even though meeting new people is a joy to me, it is not joyous to do so at the expense of past relationships. I have to take confidence that those that I do not keep in contact with as much as I used to will still care for me in the same way that I care for them: wishing the other well and desiring them to sincerely find joy as they make their way through life.
Thoughts of my dorm friends from freshmen year were heavy in my mind particularly this evening. There is not an individual on my floor from freshmen year that I can say I know in a deeper and more intimate way than I did back when I lived on the second floor of Santa Cruz Hall. They are all wonderful individuals and I know that the things I have sought and continue to seek in my life are partial causes of this separation.

Part of me desires the afterlife to be one that I share the perfect friendship with everyone, because I only have the chance to live this life once and friendships fall through my fingers like grains of sand. No matter how tight my fists clench, I will never be able to maintain all the beautiful and wonderful people that have marked my life. These twenty-one and some years have seen this young man with more sincere and beloved individuals than he every could have deserved. There are many young men in the world this very second who have not felt the support and love from the people in their life that I have felt from the people I have called my friends. For this, I am forever grateful.

*mental note: Ian, you were also noticing the similarities and differences of your mental states through the years you have been here at UCSB. Freshmen Ian thrived and struggled with both the same and different situations and struggles that this now almost senior Ian goes through. You are a different man, but you are still Ian, for better or for worse (yet still loved (John 3:16)).

These thoughts of the people in my past are not new to me. I have often longed for time to stop - that I may reach out to each and every person who has touched my heart that I may give them insight to the impact they have had for me. However, time is always short and I find myself writing about it instead, both because I like reflecting on my own thoughts, but also in a hope that someone may stumble upon it someday and take comfort in knowing that they mattered to me. Granted, it is far more important to know that you matter to God than to any individual in the world, but I guarantee that HE loves every single human being on this planet, so to be loved by the humans that walk this earth is just icing on an already delicious and sufficient cake.

If you are reading this, you probably know me. If you know me, then I probably know you. If I know you, then you can be certain that you have affected me in some way, because it is impossible for me to interact with someone and come out fully the same person I was before we met. My heart is to love the world with sincerity and intimacy and truth. I will fail at this and oftentimes remind myself that it is not my job to be everyone's best friend. In light of this, I will continue to abide in the Lord (John 15:1-17) and love those around me as best as I can. I can only pray that they know that I am human and will fail them undoubtedly at some point. Take comfort, reader, that you are loved. You are loved by me and loved even BIGGER and BETTER by the God that gave His life so that you may know righteous and true Love for the all of eternity.

Here's to summer and here's to my final year at this university. I've heard time flies faster and faster every year, so I will be conscious to live in each and every beautiful moment I am given - for these are gifts.

- Ian Charbonnet