I am Ian
I am vain. I am conceited. I am narcissistic. I am self-motivated.
I am constantly conscious and worried about what other people think of me. I try to impress people. I am self-centered. I am egotistical. I am insecure. I am unnecessarily obsessed with contradicting others. I am arrogant.
I am vain.
And I am loved. Somehow, I am loved.
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Sometimes we all need a reality check. This is mine. After being re-introduced to Invisible Children tonight and talking about saving the world with a good friend afterward, I started to question my self.
I am arrogant:
I always think that I am right when I have an opinion on something. I know that I am well-educated (by a worldly standard) and have validated thoughts, but in many instances I assume that any outside opinion is wrong. In my pursuit of knowledge and Truth, I have found myself to disregard the opinions of others at times. I see myself as high and mighty on the knowledge and logical structure of things.
I am not proud of this.
I am conceited:
I always strive to have the best character possible. That character is one that is driven by motivations of God and what I have formed to be good in this world. This world is not good naturally and when I see good character, I oftentimes try to match it. But when I succeed at having good character, I think it's because I am good.
I am not good.
Despite honestly knowing that I am not the greatest thing in the world, I have a hard time being humble. I want people to see my achievements and the good that is in me. Ever since seventh grade when I went to my classmates memorial I have been obsessed with leaving an impact on this earth and being the best I can be. My selfish dream is to have everyone say something good about me after I die, and for them to mean it. When my classmate died, his memorial made him seem to have no faults, made him seem to be a genuinely good person. I want that so badly. It's so vain but I want people to see me in a good light. I think we all want that, but that doesn't mean I should act with a disregard to humbleness.
I am not proud of this, and I desperately need help with this.
I am vain:
Life is vanity. As much as I strive for Truth, I have eerie crawling of knowledge up my back that I will not find any significant answer that will bring us away from a view of life that is not vain without Purpose given from something greater than us.
Every thought I have, every attempt to be loved is vanity. I am sarcastic and I love it. I think I'm witty. I think I'm clever. I think that I've thought more about life-related situations than anyone else.
I am none of these and I have not thought of anything more significant than the next person.
I seek attention from women. I take pride in the fact that I make friends easily. I honestly do love other people and claim to be genuine always. I do not know if that is true. I think it is true and it scares me. Could I be veiling myself from bad actions with thoughts of good intentions?
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I will never have the whole world love me. Some people will read this and feel sympathy. Some will think I'm pathetic. Some will forget what they've read in a matter of minutes, seconds. Every act I commit and every word I write is recorded in the incomprehensible dimension known as history. It cannot be re-read for the first time. The second reading can only occur once as well. The first time writing it and the thoughts that I have at this exact moment will only be here exactly as they are for this fraction of a second in time.
It is vanity.
Live for something dear reader. Please live for something GREATER than you. I would be even more of a wretch if I succumbed to myself and remained all these negative things I stated (and those I did not state). Some days I really do commit acts of selflessness. Some days I don't. The only way I know that I am making progress in my character is by referring to the only standard of goodness. I call that standard God. Perhaps you have a different term for this Love and this Good that I know, if you do, strive for it in the time you have here.
Despite all this I am loved. I do not know why. Some days I feel like I deserve the love I am given, but when I am being truly honest I realize that I deserve no more or less than the guy out my window yelling in drunkenness. You too, are loved beyond your comprehension. It is a glorious thing. I end each post with that reminder and if you haven't caught on you are missing the only true point of these ramblings. Each posts ends at the same point, the vanity of a circle.
I strive to be a better image of the Invisible. I strive to be the best I can be. If you love me, you will help me and steer me in that path with gentleness and firmness when appropriate.
Your time is valuable and I thank you for spending it here. Now please go live and thrive.
- Ian Charbonnet
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