The title of this entry is attributed to the fact that I am on my 15th listen of the song from the band Sun Kil Moon. I don't usually loop songs, but this one has been a perfect mood setter.
I've spent the last 3 hours reading friends' essays on their views, thoughts, and lives.
I realize that I've always been fighting a losing battle. The striving I have for Truth will ultimately upset many people. A wise friend of mine attributes this to "settling" and it's quite true. We become fixed upon how we see the world and we don't want to let go. Perhaps it is the idea that we wasted time with a faulty belief or perhaps we have the ability to manipulate reality in our own heads well enough to block out any sort of rationality or truth (hopefully they are one in the same). I fear to be someone like that. At the very moment I write this, I live by the words that Jesus spoke (or at least the interpretations of the Hebrew he was speaking). I am prepared to have a heart open to truth. If the doctrine and morals I currently live by are proven false, I will seek truth elsewhere. However, they've done me pretty good so far.
On a very unrelated topic, I'm currently talking to a friend from high school. They are reminding me that they believe they will see posters with my name on it and a band's name up in lights that I'm a part of.
I miss it so much.
I have not had time to create new music though. I fear sometimes that Ryan will find a new calling in his life and I will have to search for entirely new members. I fear working with new people and I fear the time it will take to make new music. Well, maybe not fear, more like, honestly don't have the time and if I sit down with some random musicians it wont be "band practice," it will just be a jam session.
Long story short, the band thing isn't going so well and I pray that someday my dream can be given a reanimation and then a long life.
*17th time through the song*
Now for the main point I think I wanted to make with this blog initially. I am trying to re-invent the way society sees friendship. Due to the current states of my beliefs, I believe that unconditional love has been given to me and that I must try to reciprocate that back to mankind. No small task. We, by human nature, are selfish. And yet, for one reason or another, feel that a greater good can be achieved by being selfless. But what does selflessness look like? To put another's full interests in front of your own.
I seek to make the joy of others my own joy. I seek to genuinely care about every person that has a soul (and I have yet to come across someone who I believe does not have one of those).
I will fail this task.
But it doesn't mean I wont try. People have this standard of how close people can be. People think that you should be close to your family. Maybe a few members of the same gender, and then ultimately become closest to your spouse (yes I am speaking in generalities). I disagree with that. I intend on having a significant other with which to have a physical closeness I won't share with anyone else. But that doesn't mean I need to lose emotional and spiritual closeness with the rest of the population.
This typically is a problem with the female species in my experience. I have found girls easier to love than guys. This is probably due to the fact that guys tend to have more pride and if I have too many deep conversations with them, I will be thought to be gay. Generally speaking, the openness level of men that I've known has just been much lower than the openness with girls. That's not to say I haven't found great guy friends. Especially here at UCSB, there have been many men who have been destroying my current stereotype of the male population.
The ease I have had with female friendships brings up a problem. In my attempts to establish significant relationships with many young women I've come to meet, sexual tension arises. Sometimes what could be valuable time spent being merely friendly becomes flirtation. I am human, and at times succumb to the physical being I am. I would be lying if I said I didn't like to flirt, but often my intentions are not to court these female friends of mine, but merely to create a more friendly atmosphere (or to be cute, idk). Friendships that have multiple dimensions typically are more fruitful than single-minded ones.
I have wanted to write this for some time now. I will be treading very potentially lethal waters with this. I will try to write a blog specifically for my views on women at a later time, but now I will just re-emphasize my desire to break down our standards.
Can I not strive to love simply for love's sake? I reiterate that we are selfish and want to be loved most by somebody. I can't provide that. Not yet. Maybe to one person one day, but right now I love as equally as I can. Jealousy will arise. Problems will occur. To foreshadow, I am beginning to sense a storm with many new female friends I have made. To pursue so many hearts at once is dangerous and intentions get mixed very easily. But radical views never start out with many followers or happy gestures. Usually there's a gunshot. I hope to dodge the bullet.
Yes, I just used a metaphor.
Goodnight, transitional blog. Perhaps you will segue into a larger set of thoughts in the future.
*19th time through "Heron Blue"*
I know that I seek to do the impossible, but I can't fight the nature that is within me to care about mankind.
Goodnight reader, your time is precious to me. As corny as these entries always seem to end, I hope that sincerity is not lost when originality seems lacking. I do love you and appreciate the time you spend delving into my thoughts more than I can express.
- Ian Charbonnet
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