Future Plans?

Currently in Berlin. Currently supposed to be studying for "Finals" tomorrow.

Currently not.

On the way back to my apartment this evening, I thought about what I want to do with my life. I have been asked that as much here by Europeans and European travelers as I am asked that at my school back in the States. The problem is, I don't really have an answer for people when they ask that.

I want to say "I'm just going to go where God leads me" or maybe "whatever glorifies my Father most."

But I don't. Instead I say something along the lines of "I study what I study because I love studying it. I follow my passions and I have been blessed with a lot of open doors I feel have been provided for me. I will continue to follow my heart and my passions."
When I say this, I'm not lying.

More than anything, however, I want to continue to make music. I want to be in a band again. I want to go on tour with brothers and play sold out concerts where the time and emotion I put into my work is reciprocated by the audience. I want to be paid and have a sustainable life from doing what I am passionate about, and the thing that I am most passionate about (barring my Lord) is music. I wonder if getting a "real job" somewhere is going to led me to a life that says "what if" when it comes to my career? I have confidence that the Lord will make all things work together for my ultimate good - that ultimate good glorifying His name and His being, but I wonder if this desire of mine is God-given or if it is Ian-given.

I've been here before. <---- that would be a hyperlink titled "Ian and Women" but no such page exists yet.

Regardless, I will say this: If given the choice tonight to create whatever I wanted with no divine resistance or alteration, I would want to form a band with 3, 4, or 5 other guys. We would somehow incorporate heavy music with breakdowns and post-rock music. I don't know what this would sound like, but it definitely wouldn't be radio music. The guys would all have to have a passion for the Lord and we would all be in the mindset that every time we record an album and every time we are on stage in a performance we are in worship with the Lord. The lyrics don't have to be something from a Hillsong album, but the music we would make together would be an act of worship for the Lord and that passion for Him would be priority number one at all times.

Then my fears creep in. It's not just the "if I try this I may lose time in creating a career that I may be 'successful' in life," but it's more of a fear that I am inadequate. If I was to be completely honest with myself, I would say that I find myself in the better half of singers in the world...but that's not really saying much, it just puts me in the top 3.5 billion or so. I am definitely not the best singer in the world and I hate my voice on recordings. I also am not the greatest guitar player ever. I can't solo to save my life and the guitar-playing I do with the most skill is easy worship-chords. I also fear about my music and lyrics writing skills. I am not a perfectionist in most aspects of life, but lyric writing is its own thing for me. That is an outlet that I do want to share with the world if it is not perfect and I find it oftentimes isn't.

Well, those are my insecurities about my future. Maybe I will look back on this post and say
"man, good thing I didn't do the music thing."
or maybe I'll say
"man, I really wish I hadn't used up the years and the money to make music"
or maybe I'll say
"I wish I tried."

Only time will tell.



Dear reader, it has been a long time since I have posted on here and I want to say that this does not mean that my love for you has decreased in any way. During dinner, I thought back to my school years in the bay area of California. All the friends I had made - most of whom I do not talk to these days. I honestly wish all of them well. I want them to be happy and spiritually fulfilled. It is unfortunate that people drift apart. For me, I have accepted that I could lose every single person in the world and still find true joy in the Lord. Despite this, he has blessed me with beautiful people in my life, so I will spend my life loving them as I have been loved because that's what makes me feel the most human.

- Ian Charbonnet