I went for a little walk tonight. Not to the surprise of my friends back home, I walked to the ocean. In light of my last post, I realized that I needed to find some quiet (at least in comparison to the yelling and bottles and bass of the street I live on).
After passing the people setting off mini fireworks in my courtyard, I zipped up my jacket and made for the wooden staircase that lowers one down two stories from Del Playa onto the Santa Barbara beach. I reached the halfway point, leaned up against the railing towards the incoming tide, and closed my eyes.
Two minutes pass by. Nothing.
I speak some words to myself. Nothing. I sing against the breaking of the waves on the shore, "Angels sing for you, mountains melt at the sound of Your name."
Nothing.
I try to clear my head. Not an easy task for me, but I try anyway. I tell myself to hear the waves crash; the tide flow. I tell myself not to analyze it, only hear it. Do not comprehend, do not anticipate, just be.
Be still (Psalm 46:10). Be quiet. Just live. This moment is the moment time is closest to eternity. The present is where the lines of past and future meet and eternity's lack of time is most comprehensible.
I pray for those on my heart. Those who are dear to me. I pray for those I don't know. I attempt to meditate.
However, I am distracted and I turn to face the 40 or so steps behind me. Suddenly, a crazy thought comes into my head. I plan to test out one of those corny Christian lines literally. I close my eyes and take a step. I take another. I take a third.
Some of the steps are off balance, I lean to the side. I do not open my eyes. I walk more confidently and my pace quickens from the step-every-two-second pace I started with. Denzel Washington quotes Paul in The Book of Eli
"[I] walk by faith, not by sight." - 2 Cor 5:7(KJB)
I couldn't help but notice that when I had confidence that I would achieve the next step, I walked faster, I was more balanced. Whenever I felt like maybe there would be level ground, I was timid, and swaying with each step.
Perhaps this is an analogy for walking by faith? We still may be moving in a forward motion, but the courage we have in our faith might propel us forward faster, stronger than if we timidly tiptoe through our faith. That, or I'm just really weird climbing these steps blind.
It truly is corny, walking up a flight of stairs with your eyes closed, but on the last step, I felt something different. Concrete replaced wood and I didn't need to try and guess if there was another step. I knew without opening my eyes that I was at the top. I looked back at the staircase I had ascended, it's shape and purpose remodeled in my mind. That staircase has a new meaning to me, forever.
Be loved, reader.
- Ian C
I find it ironic that when we tell our minds to be still, we aren't being still. Trying to quiet my mind just makes me think about wanting to be still. It's something I think I should practice more...
ReplyDeleteMeredith Cabaniss likes this.
ReplyDeletei think that you're awaiting this moment of surety, of confidence and of clarity. but you're looking for it in yourself. you are currently letting your feelings dictate that confidence.
that feeling of complete assurance will come, you just have to let it happen. you can't really lie in wait for it - what is life if you are constantly waiting around for something? you can't be truly living if you're waiting around for life to truly "begin" - it might even sneak up on you. but i have faith, Ian Charbonnet, that that feeling will happen to you.
maybe not just in a moment (it may be like a series of moments), but it will.