You know those Mondays where you just feel like you're going to have an off week? Today is one of those Mondays.
I wish I could just take a week off of thinking, do everything I'm supposed to get done, and then go back to being Ian on the weekend. I could be writing my paper on the "power of music." I could be continuing my reading of C.S. Lewis or the Qur'an or a book of how to live and love and understand Jesus without religion. I could be writing lyrics, but they all seem dry as of late without having a technical band to practice with...or even my electric guitar to put music to the words.
I think about the people who have commented on this blog to me in person. It seems my family and certain (and by certain I mean female) friends have enjoyed taking the time to read these, but many of my guy friends (the people supposedly closest to me) seem to blow off anything I write that is neutral and harass anything sincere I write. I know you all will read this at some point, so I want you all to know that I appreciate how much you respect my thoughts.
However, this week I don't feel like being sincere. Maybe it will only be last night and today, maybe it will be all week, but I just don't feel like caring about anything right now. I've spent too much time and energy caring about so many things; consistently letting myself and others down by attempting to have the broadest range of sincerity and love.
It's little picture vs. big picture. Thinking about all the little things you do to have a beneficial or "good" relationship/situation over the years. Today, I re-read the conversations I had with a certain friend over the years. Our relationship didn't involve as much actual "talking" as most of my other friends, so by reading over the things we talked about online, I was able to re-live our freindship at any given month over the past 2 or 3 years.
So many little things and now we really don't talk at all. Where is the output for so much input? Is thankfulness for good times enough? Or should I be focused on only making and deepening the friendships that have the greatest potential to last until my life ends?
Usually I'd say it is always worth it. Normal Ian would say that as long as you are utilizing your opportunities to love someone else to its fullest, you are doing your best.
Just not today.
Because I don't feel like it.
For every problem and hardship you go through with another, more problems in our imperfect lives are sure to occur. I don't feel like I've made "progress" today as far as my friendships are concerned. Every time I have given someone my time, every time there was hardship, it was more or less overcome. Then, despite temporary joy, more problems occur. How many times until it's not worth it? I obviously can't expect to tangibly love every single person on this planet, so perhaps I should just shrink down my sincerity and care about less people. That'd be a lot easier. I've lived and loved others in the past and today it didn't benefit me.
I am selfish
We all have a natural - a human- inclination towards self preservation. Alpha male. Climb our way to the top of the world. Survival of the fittest.
Yay evolution.
My goal has been to overcome that. When selflessness can become what defines you, you have reached a state of humanity that no one short of the self-proclaimed Jesus Christ has done. Even in that example, Jesus did not physically love every single person, but instead gave His life up.
I try to do that metaphorically every day.
But Jesus can only die once. He was mortal, divinity argument aside. So, 2000 ish years later all I can really do is say, "Thank you, that was very nice of you." There is no way I can truly repay something like that, in the same way that if a friend pushed you out of the way of a speeding car and lost their life in the process. What do you do? Devote your life to their memory? Move on and try to live happy for them?
As stated in the title, I did not go into this post with a plan, just a few ideas for blueprints. My thoughts found themselves in this blog one way or another. So I thank you dear reader, with all the sincerity I can muster in my less than average mindset today. Whether you read these words with respect, thought, distraction, or sarcasm, my purpose is to love you. I plan on doing just that.
- Ian Charbonnet
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