Death; The clock which my Compassion and Sincerity race against

My mother is heading to North Carolina soon. She wants to be near her parents as they approach the end of their lives.
I just wrote a letter to my grandfather. It is the first genuine letter I have ever written to him.

He will probably never read it.

The whole time I typed those words, a thought of vanity was gnawing at the back of my head. I needed to write it though. He still had a chance to receive it and know that I appreciated the man he was and is.
Unlike many of my friends, I do not have a particularly close relationship with any of my grandparents (or relatives in general for that matter). Not that I don't love them, but distance always left me seeing other family members every other year at best. Sometimes I would go four or five years without seeing a certain uncle or aunt.
A lot happens in four or five years.

It's like reuniting with your high school friends when all the questions are surface and repetitive. "How's school? What have you been up to? Are you enjoying yourself?" And those people I only spend months away from at a time.

But that tangent is for another time. As I write this in the evening on the ninth of January, 2010, both of my mother's parents are probably lying on a bed and living their last days of their lives.
It's so scary to think that I will never be able to see their faces again, and even though it's not too late, I do not have the power nor the means to see them before they close their eyes for the last time.

They may never know how sincere I was when I typed "I love you" throughout my last letter.

This all leads me to the thought of death. I spend my whole life trying to love as many people as much as I can. It's not a fruitless cause per say, but it definitely is a goal that will be unattainable. I will always lose closeness with some people and I will ultimately fall short in loving my friends to the best of my ability. I guess death is the ultimate clock with which I work against. While time is a force I oppose, it is continuous and can be dealt with anytime. Once death occurs, I can never tell someone I love them again. They will never hear my voice again.

I would also like to take this time to commend one of my closest friends. They dealt with the loss of their mother so well. I can't ever imagine having to go through what they did. If you ever read this, I want you to know that you have far greater character than I could ever have simply by dealing with that every day (whether directly or indirectly) and I will never be able to emphasize enough how much I respect you.

I know Martin Slominski and Maggie Gould will never see these words, but I don't care:

I love you both immensely. Who I am today is a reflection of who you two were. Life is one cause after an effect after a cause after an effect, etc. and because of this, everything I am is attributed to you two. With all the sincerity I can muster, I love you. Time and time again.

I will dedicate this post not only to my grandparents, but to the other lives I personally have had affect me.
Solange Sandoval, you took your own life because you thought you weren't beautiful and weren't valued. If you could ever hear my words, I would tell you a thousand times how beautiful you are.
Brett Slinger, though the direct impact of your death did not necessarily affect me, your memorial affected the way I live my life. Since that day I have seen a more big-picture view of life and I live my life according to that picture I've seen. Because you were so loved, my life has benefited. Thank you.
Rylan Fuchs, your death brought the realization to the entire community of how precious life is. No one in Danville really appreciated how safe our area had been and I know that your death changed the views of many individuals.
Dave Bassard. You were a man of God. Your enthusiasm filled COV and gave so many people a different view on worship. You have raised amazing young men whom I respect very much. Their character is a reflection of your love and I know you are proud of them.

This is why I end every single post with a reminder that I love you, reader. With a life based around love, I need to remind those who take that a step further and love me back that they are not unappreciated. Thank you for being in my life and thank you for giving my thoughts your precious time.

- Ian M. Charbonnet