"Here am I. Send Me"

Isaiah 6:8 says that. 'Twas the theme of today's talk at Real Life. The whole talk went on about not being selfish and caring for others and all that stuff that "Christians" are supposed to know. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that some people can't even think about living that way. Everyday I think about ways to focus my life on other people. I do this because it makes me feel good, makes me feel normal...so I guess I'm ultimately thinking about myself..oh well.

I thought about what I was going to write in this blog over 3 hours ago, so bear with me as I try to rearrange my thoughts...
"Digital Sea" by Thrice is put on*

We watched a powerful video about being "sent" at Real Life program tonight as well. A girl was rapping to God. She sat at her computer and a montage of her traveling around and filming people in poverty filled all the gaps of her rap. She talked about how God was good but there was war. There was poverty. She wanted to know why.
I found it a little corny.
Regardless, the message was getting lost about 4 minutes in as the rhymes kept coming and the questions turned to frustration and anger. She yells on a rooftop at God. She asks where the paradise is. She asks for the goodness that the Bible speaks of.

Fade to white.

"Here am I. Send me."
Suddenly the footage was happy. Suddenly the instrument of God's hand was all the people making a statement that they were going to make this world better. People there for a good cause. People talking to those in the hospital, or building houses. How I love cliche.

Ghandi was good too, but I don't know if he knew Jesus...

The video ended after about 6 or 7 minutes. Many people had tears in their eyes. We prayed and worship started up again. People sat in silence, but over the course of the set, many rose to their feet. They were rejuvenated, they saw the light, they wanted to be used. Voices sang out and a message of hope was displayed.
But I sat there. Something was wrong. I judged. I try not to, but I do. I don't judge in the sense that I assume people are bad and I don't give them the benefit of the doubt, I judge the human race as a whole.

My image is me on a balcony, like the Pope or something, staring out into the masses. People are so emotional. You give a speech to a quiet piano or guitar and something a little extra is added. You cry giving that speech and show an act of kindness. All of a sudden everyone wants to be good...for a day. I see the world as acting on impulse, whatever the high of the moment is. Then I notice a mirror in the corner of my eye. My reflection judges me back and tells me I might as well fling myself into the crowd, for I am no better.

I wonder how many of the 300+ people in that room tonight are going to look at life differently tomorrow. Everyone felt a sense of purpose as program closed, but I wonder how much of it will stick. I had an analogy three hours ago, but it has sense left my train of thought.
Who is to say that good works are true if they are in the name of Jesus. Is what was in that room valid?
People act on faith, on impulse. I see two of my buildings smoking, burning. I see death in the middle east. I see people spending two years of their life away from home telling people that Joseph Smith is the true prophet. They haven't seen any gold tablets, they can't prove what's right. So who's to say that anything I do for this Jesus guy is validated.

I don't know where I'm going. I think I'm trying to say that I won't be tricked. If there's a God, He works in hearts. If that statement is true, then it's my fault I don't feel him. I refuse to let slow, violin and piano-based music accompany corny videos to motivate me to something I would not do otherwise.

Yet music is real. I tear up more in a good song than I would for a movie any day of the week. Music does make me "feel" differently. But music is used to bring spirits back in ancient cultures. Music is used to soothe the heart, or pump adrenaline. How real is the football player who gets pumped up before a game on his iPod? Maybe worship music is real power, maybe it is truth. Then again, Mormons sing hymns and I don't quite see eye-to-eye with them. I'm sure there are Muslim songs and Jewish songs and African tribal songs, etc.

All of them can't be true.

This blog does not have a point. It's not happy like my last one. It's just an observation. I CHOOSE to be an instrument for GOOD day in and day not. Not because I see videos like Invisible Children, not because I sing my heart out when a favorite song comes on, but because I see the world as a whole and know that I have a purpose when I live right.
Please don't save children in India who are sex-slaves simply because the montage of children crying made you cough up a few bucks. Do it because you know it is right EVERY DAY.

Scientology makes bank.

I've been on this an hour...I should go to sleep. My search for sincerity and truth and ultimately purpose will continue tomorrow.

and the day after that.
forever.

Regardless, I thank you for reading this despite it's lack of point. This was a rambling blog that I may have to edit at some point, I'm not sure I'm fully functional at this hour. But I do know this: I love you. No matter what eyes are reading these exact words, I DO love you.

- Ian