Untitled

I think it's weird when I see someone in a movie (or in real life for that matter) lick their finger to turn the page.

I have two (ish) topics I want to hit on this one, we shall see if I succeed by the time this ends.
I am home for the summer. Or at least that's the plan right now. I've never been one for life plans. I do events and occasions and sometimes cardinal directions (I'm going east today, no not to a specific city, just east) so the fact that I keep getting bombarded with "how will you spend your summer?" and "what are you doing with your life" is a little unnerving. These aren't bad questions and are often asked with love behind them, it's just that I'm not in a place to answer them.
Since getting home I've gotten lazy (yes, if you know me, I was lazy to begin with so this is bad). I've been idling about with no real desire to leave my home more than once a day to catch up with a friend, only to come back and watch a movie or something. I think my adventurous spirit (the one that tells me to grab a friend and drive for 50 miles at 11 at night for no reason) is being quelled by the urgency to get a job that has been placed on me. Yeah, I technically have a job, but I get the feeling I am going to be hired once a week if not once every two, which isn't exactly money enough to pay for much.
All that aside, I'm a little more concerned about my relationships with people. I can't just tell my friends what my life has been like the last 30+ weeks in Santa Barbara, they need to live it for themselves. I can only describe the groups I've been involved in and the people I've met so well, it just won't stay. And the same goes for me to them. I can't know how amazing their new friends are without spending time with them, etc. So we're all stuck. It's impossible (ok, NOTHING is impossible, but it is highly improbable and I'm playing the odds) to go back to the way things were because we are all different people. It's hard for me to love the same way when I feel this disconnect. Maybe over the summer this will fade, but for now I'm just going to try to show as much love as I can. I do love all my friends I've kept through the years, more than I could ever explain, but in this state of slothfulness, I am finding it hard to manifest those feelings of respect and friendship.

I have left two little words/phrases under the words I currently type; "paradox & identity in music and friends and comforter, not a man of G" to be exact.
I find the paradoxes in life to be the most interesting things. The moments where the right choice doesn't feel right. The fact that keeping your kids safe and away from the world forever will not make them better people. The words some guy said 2000 + years ago about the only way to find your life (apparently you have to lose it, now THERE'S some food for thought). I have determined something over the course of my life. I have always had faith in one principle within me: there is one truth in the world. Without that, everything becomes subjective and therefore meaningless. With that in mind I have discovered that you either live with hope or you live without hope. G-d is the way that humans fathom hope. G-d is necessary for the world to make sense, for if you rule out the possibility of something greater than all this, you will merely walk and talk in circles (cue Thrice song) as an aimless atheistic philosopher (believe me I deal with them all the time). I humor atheism and agnosticism in my head from time to time, but I find only more meaninglessness which is anti-purpose and therefore my anti-goal.

"We talk too much, we talk in circles, 'till we're all spinning 'round. Reaching for rings on this merry-go-round..."

Also, I have understood something about us. In our search for love and meaning we come across the need for identity. I always thought the concept was somewhat silly, but it is necessary for us to define ourselves for us to have a view of ourselves and from there we are motivated to elevate that self (or so I've noticed in life). I LOVED being "that guy in that band" for so long. I loved that people knew me for my passion for music, but alas this is not a good thing as I've discovered.
I've also loved who I found myself to be in having many friends. I HATE it when people point out how many people I know because it makes me feel like they think I cannot appreciate them because there are so many people in my life. But even with all the jokes about how many friends on Facebook one can have, I still love the idea that I can know so many people. I think it helps me with one of my more deep fears: the fear of being forgotten. I desire to leave an impact on this world, and I have always felt a calling to be in relationships with people. I long to know people's hearts for who they are, I don't like seeing faces on the street and not knowing what their lives have been like to bring them to that sidewalk reading that newspaper wearing that shirt....
Finally, I have loved being known for comforting others. This runs parallel with my last statement about friends, but it I have had few higher emotions than the ones I get after getting to really know someone through a vulnerable discussion. I'm fairly open to discuss my feelings on something (cue joke about guys not talking about feelings) and have found people in my life to have mutual confidence in. It is wonderful, but it cannot be my identity.

I try so hard to appeal to many people by being politically correct. I (initially) tried to avoid forming a religious bias in any of my writings because I desire that everyone is able to read what I have to say and take it seriously. However, I have come to find that my identity should not lie in the things stated above. Reader, no matter how you see life, you need to know I love you. I respect your views and how you see the world. I will listen intently if you wish to discuss politics, abortions, gay rights, immigration, the meaning of life, G-d, etc. I want to know what you think.
But that love that I feel for you is not of me, that unconditional love is something I've grown up with because I have believed (on and off but mostly on) that there is something greater than me.

I need to find my identity in God. More specifically, in Christ. This is me saying that I will always accept the possibility that by having faith I could be wrong, and I want to hear your views sometime dear reader, but the fact of the matter is I have given my life to this man. He was held to two pieces of wood and his wrists dripped blood from nails that were driven into him. His feet were pinned down, one on top of the other; pinned through the bone.
This man claimed that his life (something that most of us believe we are all entitled) was to be laid down for every human being that ever existed. Is this probable? no. Can we ever prove that anything He said was true? no.
Guess what, I still crave to be known for loving Him anyway.

This summer has not started as a memorable one, but there is plenty of time for change. But one thing that will not change, is that I will always love you dear reader. That is something I have picked up from this deity, this concept, this abstract yet tangible noun. God is Love. Or perhaps Love is God, we can debate it later, but I've found something that can take the words right out of my being and that's a feat not easily accomplished.

- Ian M. Charbonnet